I have no words.
no signs.
no ways to communicate what I'm feeling.
But let me try... I am overwhelmed with the work required, the level of which my ASL reception needs to be, the level of which my ASL execution needs to be, the amount of experience my peers have, the lack of experience I have, and finally; how I will establish a plan for me to accomplish not only my assignments, but also develop through and forward with each of the aforementioned concerns.
In my last class, Structures and Application of ASL/English in the Classroom, there are 10 students, 1 TA, and 1 professor (obviously). Of those 10 students, I am one of the two hearing students. The other girl, she got her BA in Deaf Education. All the Deaf/HoH students? They have BA degrees in education and/or Deaf education. So I'm the only student without prior experience in and educational setting for the Deaf.
I feel so behind.
My hearing professor has a PhD in Deaf Education and teaching Linguistics. ASL is her third language, English her third, and Spanish her first. She's quite impressive. Her ASL skills are top notch. It is very inspiring to be around her, she has a certain vitality and passion around her like the dust cloud of that dirty kid from the Charlie Brown comics. Except not dirt, but energy. That being said, being around such inspirational and experienced people is motivating, and yet intimidating at the same time.
I feel so intimidated.
If I look back and try to remember other times I felt intimidated I can think of...
1) Auditions to get into Cal State University Long Beach with a bunch of bunheads. Denied.
2) Ailey auditions with a bunch of technically advanced bunheads. Denied.
3) First week of training at Apple in NYC, when I had never touched a Mac in my life. Success.
4) Pursuing a career in modern dance in NYC, Failed.
Denied because I gave my very best and didn't make the cut.
Success because I applied myself, played by the rules, and was determined to make the most out of what I was working with.
Failed because I did not apply myself seriously, I was not determined to find success; rather, I waited for it to come to me. I found roadblocks and sat in front of them or took another road, instead of seizing and conquering each one.
After reviewing these few anecdotes of attempted achievement in my life, I think it's a little more clear as to what I need to do now. I am fully capable. I just can't crawl into a ball of fear and defense. Failure is so scary to me, especially after experiencing such a heavy dose of it as a dancer. It is scary to try again. But without trial, there is no failure OR achievement. Right? Right.
So onward ever onward.
This is what I signed up for. I knew I had little to no experience in this field and that I had a long row to plough. I will finally succeed in a life-path choice. Perhaps I need to remind myself that it is okay to ask for help and utilize the resources I have in order to find the appropriate path of success for me. The key to asking for help, though, is knowing/being aware of what you need help with. That's the critical step.
I feel better.
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| "Dad/Father" |
Growing up near a military base with a father who worked in aerospace I was constantly sermoned in how to live the right way. Many times, especially as a tween, things my father said went in one ear and out the other. But one word of advice he has continued to give me through high school, undergrad, professional life, and now in grad school: "Keep a journal, Shauna. Write down things you experience and your thoughts about it. Later, you will learn from your experiences and perceptions. It will help you grow as a person and help you recognize your growth."
Whaddya know? Dad was right.
So let's see what the rest of the first week of graduate school has in store!
Shauna! I completely understand! I've been there! I remember last year, my first day of grad school. I was surrounded by all these students that has been actual field anthropologist and archaeologist. And while I had a BA in Cultural and Media studies, I was changing paths to physical anthropology! These students were shouting out all these terms I didn't know and books I never read. I was insanely intimidated and on top of it, I didn't get to have much reinforcement of the knowledge in my daily life. I left the labs and went to Apple and talked to people about the genius of iWork. I always felt like I was never doing enough. I still do. But that is part of the journey. If it's not a challenge, it's not worth it. A year later, I've accomplished things that I didn't think were possible in just a year, but I still have doubts that stop me dead in my tracks. But, I keep going.
ReplyDeleteThere can be so much gained from failures. Much more gained from a failure than a success. I think it's important to change your mind about how you define a failure; whether or not you allow the term to even be in your vocabulary. A failure is simply a lesson on how not to do things. When you were little, did you ever get the juice yourself and pour it in the cup and it spilled all over? The next time you tried, I bet you changed your method having learned from the first time. You didn't call it a failure, we called it "accidents". When really it's a failure of depth perception or cautiousness.
Because you care so much about doing well, and you are passionate and dedicated to the choice you've made, you have no choice left but to excel at your latest career path. They let you in the school, didn't they? You got the rest on lock. Go forth and kick ass! I can't wait to read more about your progress. I hope to see you soon!!
UPDATE!
ReplyDeleteAfter speaking with my Dad on the phone, I feel better. After speaking to my Mom and boyfriend on the phone I feel a lot better. After speaking to my roommates' about their experience today and in other programs...I feel a whole hell of a lot better. After reading MishaInWonderland's comment, I don't feel so alone:-)
Good advice about failure/accidents, Misha:-D